Writing Humor

5 Stages of Becoming a Fiction Writer – (A bit of Humor mixed with Truth)

Every aspiring writer sets out to write the great novel that will make him or her famous. You
may be on this journey yourself so let us prepare you with a review of the five stages you will go through on this journey.

Stage 1 – Being the Invincible Writer with the most fabulous story.

You begin the journey knowing that you have the best idea for a story ever to be told. You tell everyone about this book. Your phone calls go unanswered as your friends avoid listening to you tell them about your great book idea. In this stage you are euphoric, happy, and spend hours writing the outline and smirking about the plot twists and turns you are devising. You can already imagine the royalties, movie offers, and red carpet treatment you will receive once your book is published. Hold onto this feeling for as long as you can, because the next stage gets a
bit rough.

Stage 2 – Paranoia that your characters are out to get you.

As you enter Stage 2, you find that the plot has a few holes. You begin having your characters help fix the plot and then all of a sudden you find out that one is mortally injured. How did that happen? What are you going to do know? You begin to look back and try to figure out how your character misled you. At this stage you begin speaking to your characters (some authors go so far as to yell at these fictional people). You imagine that your characters are plotting against you and have no idea the level of greatness you will achieve as a writer. In some cases, you go back and delete that character completely or you find ways to bring her back from the brink of death and the best part – you expect her to be thankful to you for the rest of the book. Characters are characters. The darn book would be easy to write if all the characters behaved.

Stage 3 – I just want to finish this story.

At this stage in writing your first book, you are exhausted. Maybe you are still working the day job to pay your bills and all you want is one more weekend to finish this book. You are losing sleep, spend all the weekend in sweat pants, and your friends wonder if you are still alive. At this point, you throw the plot out the window and write rapidly to make it to the end. You have now become the speedwriter with one goal in mind: writing the words “THE END.”
Stage 4- I hate my Editor.

The book is finally complete and you realize it might be good to have an editor look this over. You have poured your heart and soul into this book and re-written sentences and used the grammar lessons from Ms. Clark, your fourth grade teacher. You email the book to your editor who turns it around in 48 hours and you open the edited file…and begin to cry. Eight hundred and twenty-seven changes and 47 comments later you realize now that you hate your editor more than your characters. The editor asked questions about the plot and how a character made it back from near death, not to mention changing all your punctuation.

Stage 5 – Please Mom just buy a copy and I will never ask you again for anything.

Finally, after making it through the edits and getting the final book in perfect form, it is
published. Maybe you have chosen traditional publishing or gone out on your own and used
self-publishing. Either way you sit back and get ready for all the good feelings you dreamed of in Stage 1. Eight days later, with no sales reported just yet, you call your mom and have the following conversation.
Author “Hi Mom…do you have a minute or two?”
Mom “Of course dear.”
Author “Mom, I promise to never ask for anything again and you will be the best mom in the world if you do me this one favor.”
Mom “What do you need dear?”
Author “Would you please purchase a copy of my book?”
Mom “You wrote a book?”
end conversation
For all you aspiring authors, this is just a bit of humor to help you through the process. Many of us have walked this path already. We know you will succeed. Keep smiling, keep writing, and know that you are not alone on the journey. In the end, the joy is in becoming a writer with a published book…welcome to the club.

9 Funniest Lines in Movie History

OK, I’m not including lines that are funny just because they are delivered so well, such as “He’s kinda funny lookin’” (Fargo, 1996), “Are you horny, baby?” (Austin Powers, 1997), and “Freeze, gopher!” (Caddyshack, 1980).

Tom Hanks staring at Caddy Shack gopher

The choices below are delivered well, but they’re also well-written with a great setup and perfect payoff with just the right choice of words. To keep from having lines from the same films, or types of films, I’ve offered the best of nine different types of humor.

9. Hyperbole, Zoolander (2001)

This parody often feels all too real when it comes to the frankly bizarre world of high fashion. The head of a modeling agency delivers a line about super-popular fashion designer Mugatu that almost sounds like it could come from a Project Runway outtake:

“Mugatu is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it, and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.”

Zoolander screenshot

8. Offensive, South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

Now, it’s hard to find stuff that manages to be as offensively funny as South Park, and the movie really ups the game. This is a show, after all, where one character is so consistently anti-Semitic that when a teacher admonishes him, “Eric, did you just say the F-word?” the kid replies in confusion, “Jew?”

But it’s the teacher himself, Mr. Garrison who delivers the most offensive and hilarious line of the day. After saying something about women being cranky because they’re on their periods, one of his students admonishes him that this is sexist. His response:

“I’m Sorry, Wendy, but I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.”

7. Total Lack of Self-Awareness, This Is the End (2013)

In a movie where actors play parodies of themselves (sometimes a little too well), the biggest laughs come from the unblinking delivery of selfish, self-involved, self-centered, self-promotion, with occasional notes of self-righteousness. Just before very sweetly asking the Almighty to kill someone he doesn’t like, Jonah Hill looks up to the Lord and murmurs:

“Dear God, I’d like to pray to you for a second. It’s me, Jonah Hill … from Moneyball.”

Jonah Hill "Dear God, I'd like to pray to you for a second."

"It's me Jonah Hill...from Moneyball."

6. Exasperation, Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

Not a single person responsible for the destruction of the world will own up to it, from a US president who chides the Soviet leader that he’s just as upset about the whole thing as his counterpart, to the way no one will acknowledge that the top scientist in the room used to work for Hitler, the Apocalypse is brought on by a ring of paranoid buck-passers intent on acting like the situation is inevitably out of their control. (Sound familiar?)

This all hits its peak when the president finally calls his top general to account, pointing out that, despite all the general’s arguments to the contrary, a psychotic has overtaken the nuclear launch protocol. The general responds:

“Well, I, uh, don’t think it’s quite fair to condemn a whole program because of a single slip-up, sir.”

5. Dramatic Irony, Blazing Saddles (1974)

Arguably the best movie parody of all time, the film throws constant ironic, fourth-wall-breaking reminders that the story on screen is being shown through the lens of a hundred years of history. Racism in particular is shown to be not just appalling, but ridiculous as smart black men are not only mistreated but completely beyond the understanding of (some) powerful, stupid, morally absent white men. This only works because of this duality in perspective: the America of the 1970s looking at the America of the late 1800s with both affection and incredulity.

At one point, the black sheriff disguises himself as a Candygram delivery boy (another black stereotype) to deliver a hidden bomb to a thuggish cowpoke (Mongo) hired to kill him. After the explosion works, the sheriff admits:

“Mongo was easy. The b**** was inventing the Candygram.”

Candygram for Mongo

4. Man-to-Man Insult, All of Me (1984)

In one of the best comedic scenes of all time, Steve Martin suddenly realizes half of his body is now being controlled by the spirit of Lily Tomlin. As people hurry past him on the sidewalk, Martin’s body fights itself as he loudly announces that he’s not sharing his body with anyone. A guy in a hard hat gets to deliver the slam:

“Everybody’s gonna be real disappointed, Mac.”

3. LongSuffering Personified, Galaxy Quest (1999)

Another parody, this time of the sci-fi genre, has the actors of a canceled-now-cult-hit TV show squeezing out a meager living from convention appearances and promotional events. The “Spock/Nimoy” character (Dane) is constantly prodded to deliver his signature line, “By Grabthar’s hammer, by the suns of Worvan, you shall be avenged,” which he has come to despise.

At the character’s lowest point, they stand in costume before the grand opening of an electronics store giving out promotional one-liners with their best fake enthusiasm. When it’s Dane’s turn, he sighs, rolls his eyes, and manages to mutter:

“By Grabthar’s Hammer … what a savings.”

"By Grabthar's Hammer...What a savings."

2. Shamelessness, Casablanca (1942)

Everyone thinks of bittersweet romance in this classic, but it’s really the incredibly funny bits that make it so rewatchable. When Captain Renault is ordered by the Nazis to close down Rick’s bar/casino, he objects that he has no reason to do so. When ordered to find one, he throws a fit about being “shocked” to find out gambling is occurring on the premises. When a croupier then hands him his winnings, without missing a beat, Renault puts on a gracious smile and says:

Oh, thank you very much!”

1. Righteous Indignation, Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

God appears in the Heavens to give King Arthur and his knights a quest—wait, first he wants them to stop bowing and averting their eyes. It’s like the Psalms, they’re so depressing. He’s here to give Arthur and his men a quest to serve as an example in these darks times. Arthur exclaims in amazement that this is a good idea. God shouts down at him:

“Of course it’s a good idea!”

21 Things That Happen While Watching The Super Bowl

1. You begin to stuff your face with buffalo wings and corn chips during the pre-show.

2. Then you realize a beer would really complement the wings, you genius.

3. As the National Anthem is sung, you realize you are the epitome of being American – football, beer, food, and the Star Spangled Banner.

4. You yell “HEADS, HEADS, HEADS” at the screen before your team picks the coin toss.

5. You mentally prepare yourself for kickoff.

6. You start getting anxious since the score is staying at 0 – 0.

Anxious meets eating faster, right?

7. And hope that your team scores first.

8. Then you start hyperventilating when the other team is about to score.

9. And when they do, you just about lose it.

10. But you realize it’s okay because it isn’t even halftime yet.

11. You find yourself unimpressed with the commercials and start wondering where the funny ones are.

With food in hand, of course.

12. Then Doritos flies (get it?) in and restores your faith in Super Bowl ads.

13. You refill your plate during halftime.

14. And “lose control” when Missy Elliot comes out.

15. Then, after Katy Perry is a firework, you are back in game mode.

16. You realize your voice is getting hoarse from all the yelling.

17. But it’s okay because helping out your team is worth it.

18. You start truly appreciating your food when a crappy commercial comes on.

19. And can’t even taste it when the game is back because it’s crunch time.

20. When the game finally ended, you were stuffed and exhausted.

21. And then you realize Katy Perry’s shark was the real MVP.